Just Another Suicide Bomber In Paradise
Hakk ibn Yakkin has just successfully martyred himself by blowing up a commercial vehicle filled with people.
Unfortunately for Hakk, he isn’t too bright and just blew up a truck filled with infidel manikins. Nevertheless, when killing
and maiming, it’s the thought that counts and Hakk soon finds himself hurtling through the cosmos and landing at the feet of the Great Imam of Paradise.
Hakk: Daaa-aa-aa-amn! That hurt a lot more than they said it would! (Hakk looks at the gates of Paradise only to see the
previous martyr, Gakk, sobbing inconsolably as he is led into Paradise.)
Great Imam: Crap! Another one already? We just finished the last one! (The Great Imam checks the temperature of his
low-fat double-shot cafe mocha.) And my coffee’s cold! Just blew another wad at Starbucks.
Hakk: (Prostrating himself in from of the big guy) Oh, Great Imam! I am here to collect my 72 virgins.
Great Imam: (Sneering) Yeah? You and every Tom, Dick, and Zarqawi.
Hakk: Great Imam, you seem quite a bit more cynical that I had expected.
Great Imam: Yeah, well boredom and fatigue will do that to ya. I’ve been working double and triple shifts trying to process all of you geniuses.
Hakk: (angry now) Great Imam! We have been promised honor and many pleasures in paradise, yet you mock me. Have I not traded my life to eliminate many infidels.
Great Imam: (insincerely) Sorry, spent a year on a field assignment to New York City. I’ve never been quite the same since. In fact, I’m constantly fighting the desire to grab my crotch, shake it, and tell you guys to “Martyr this!”
Hakk: Great Imam! You’ve been corrupted by the infidel West, how could you have made it to Paradise, much less become Great Imam?
Great Imam: I was a legacy. My uncle Achmed used to be Great Imam. The had to take me.
Hakk: But weren’t you martyred for the cause of Islam as well.
Great Imam: Well, you see, that’s the problem. They told me my bomb was a pizza I was supposed to deliver to one of our cells in Tel Aviv. Naturally, they set it off remotely while I was still on the bus.
Hakk: But still! You are a martyr for the one true religion.
Great Imam: Well, sort of. There were only three other people on the bus and they moved to the back when they saw me get on. I only succeeded in killing myself and the bus driver. We both took an anchovy to the head.
Hakk: But still, you took at least one Israeli oppressor down.
Great Imam: Yeah I know. We spent a lot of time together in the Paradise waiting room. Great guy. His name’s Murray.
Hakk: Enough of this! Obviously, my respect for you was misplaced. I want my 72 beautiful virgins.
Great Imam: Uh, yeah. You see, that’s been a part of the problem here lately, the beautiful virgins are kind of picked-over. We’ve been having to give out what we have left. Why do you think your buddy Gakk was crying?
Hakk: Well then, I’ll take virgins that are merely pretty.
Great Imam: Sorry, they’re pretty picked over too. And before you ask we’ve kind of had to back off on that whole virgin thing too.
Hakk: But what’s the problem? Surely Allah is all powerful?
Great Imam: (squirming a bit) Well, that true, but it seems male and female souls are created in equal number. I think Allah may have over-committed a bit. So for you to get 72 virgins, 71 non-martyrs have to give up their women. They’re starting to get a little testy since there aren’t any camels up here.
Hakk: (frightened now) When can I see my virgins then?
Great Imam: (yelling back over his should) Bring ‘em in!
Hakk: Oh, merciful Allah! Couldn’t you give me some with teeth?
Great Imam: (yelling over his shoulder again) Hey! Hakk wants some virgins with teeth! (There is much laughing in the back.) Sorry, we ran out of virgins with teeth last year. I’m told the virgin market is a little tight these days.
Hakk: Then I renounce my martyrdom. I want to go back to Earth and resume my normal life.
Great Imam: That’s going to be a problem, your body is spread over about 6 city blocks and your friends and family have already scooped up the parts. But look at the bright side. You going to get 12 different funerals. You should be honored.
About that time the portal to Paradise is opened and another fresh martyr drops to the floor.
Newcomer: Daa-aa-aa-aamn! That hurt a lot more than they said it would. Hey, where’s my virgins?
Great Imam: (burying his face in his hands) Next!
The newcomer observes Hakk being led through the gates of Paradise by his new women. He is sobbing hysterically.
Newcomer: (tilting his head towards Hakk) What’s his problem?
Great Imam: Same as your problem.
