Sad, but True #5

Youth is wasted on the young; retirement is wasted on the old.

The Memo Writer’s Observations on Life #1

1. Women will always hack off their hair and switch to frumpy clothes after you marry, then claim they just wanted to look nice for you.
2. Auto mechanics will always think that you’re an idiot.
3. Liberals will club you in the head repeatedly in you refuse to join their peace protest.
4. Radical Liberals abhor violence and are willing to commit any act of violence to prevent it.
5. Environmentalists firmly believe that by burning SUVs, multi-million dollars homes, ski resorts, industrial sites, and other places of employment constitutes helping their fellow man.
6. Liberals who successfully sue tobacco companies will celebrate by firing up a joint and holding the smoke until they faint.
7. Cashiers at fast-food restaurants can’t speak English.
8. Cashiers anywhere are not hired for their math skills.
9. Complaining about cashiers does no good because the manager can’t speak English.
10. In California you can entered into a long-term intimate relationship with a goat but adjusting the fast idle screw on your carburetor will get you the death penalty.
11. Celebrities are unimportant people who make their living pretending to be important people.
12. People who violently oppose petroleum drilling, transportation, exploration, pipelines, tankers, storage facilities, and refineries bitch the most about high fuel prices.
13. People who live in states with the most punitive anti-business laws attribute their unemployment to corporate greed and government conspiracies.
14. Nobody will ever live long enough to see an unscrewed-up order at a fast-food restaurant drive-through.
15. Liberals will always believe that the only justification for having a military is as a jobs program.
16. Drivers in New Mexico have their turn-signal levers welded in the off position.
17. Women with large breasts want small ones, those with small breast want large ones, medium-sized women can go either way, and they all want you to pay for the surgery.
18. Men will never end their quest for a virgin nymphomaniac.
19. Ex-wives will still call you and demand that you do chores around what used to be your house.
20. Cars only break down when you take a short-cut through the most dangerous part of the city.

Sad, But True #4

Dating a liberal will make you reconsider your opinions—on dating.

Sad, But True #3

God is female. And she’s cramping.

Sad, But True #2

A short skirt makes a persuasive argument.

Sad, But True

I apologize in advance. I know it’s awful, but this occurred to me earlier today.

What do you call a Muslim man with a chainsaw?