Slamming Keith Olbermann

I’ve been wanting to do a thorough emasculation on MSNBC’s resident nutjob. Unfortunately, it’s been more difficult than you might expect. The man is beyond parody. Its seems that just about anything that would make for a good skewering has already been done by the smirking fool–and then bragged about.

Left-Wing Wasteland

Because it’s time for another song parody. I would actually record these but the only musicians I’m friends with are Left-wingers.

sung to the tune of Baba O’Reilly

Left-Wing Wasteland

Out here on the streets
After Left-wing conceits
We push our cars to keep them moving
But we’ve got no rights
Humanity’s a blight
If we’re gone, the Earth’s improving

Don’t whine
Don’t waste your time
Finally, Left-wing wasteland

Daughter, take my hand
Let’s run while we can
Don’t look behind
It’s just Atlas Shrugging
Now the Ummah is here
Children tremble in fear
The Chosen Ones are raging
Our girls’ hopes are ending

Left-wing wasteland
It’s just a Left-wing wasteland
A Left-wing wasteland

The Liberal Lexicon: “E” Words and Phrases

The Definitions

1. Education—indoctrination.
2. Elderly, The— aged saps who will vote for you consistently if sufficiently terrified.
3. Enemy—you.
4. English—Language used by capitalist imperialist aggressors to ruthlessly suppress native cultures of subjugated people. Should be used as little as possible because it just encourages conservatives.
5. Enlightenment—historically, a period of intellectual and spiritual darkness perpetuated by European white males against the rest of humanity; as a mental state, the realization that liberals were right all along.
6. Entitlement Programs— bribes for for their constituents.
7. Equal Time— giving liberal commentators 90% of air time and print in the media.
8. Evil—Used to describe people and things that are wicked, malicious, viscious, and willfully harmful to other people, just as in English; however, it is only used after the person or thing has already been defeated by conservative action.
9. Expert—liberal who doesn’t blow his lines when reading off of our script.
10. Exploitation— economic growth.

The Liberal Lexicon: “D” Words and Phrases

The Definitions

1. D—the grade university humanities professors award to self-identified conservative students after they finally learn to keep their mouths shut.
2. Daughter—any female offspring that you are required to support and whose mind and reproductive organs belong to us.
3. Death Penalty:— The immoral taking of life as punishment for murder, rape, treason, and other forms of self-expression. The only known legitimate use of the death penalty was the execution of a multitude of capitalist pigs committing foul deeds in two 110-storey office buildings.
4. Democracy—having recounts until we get the results that we want.
5. Democratic Rebuttal—tantrum.
6. Dialogue—begging our enemies for mercy.
7. Diplomacy—the process of making Faustian bargains.
8. Discrimination—freedom of association.
9. Disenfranchisement—when Democracts lose election because our constituents are either too stupid to use a voting machine or put their eyes out with the punch card stylus.
10. Diversity— the condition of various races and ethnicities all having the same opinions.

The Liberal Lexicon: “A” Words and Phrases

The Fine Art of Liberal to English Translation

Contrary to popular belief, Liberals do speak a form of English. Their dialect, though strange, is quite similar to American English. In fact, the vocabulary, grammar, syntax, and even the accents are identical. So what accounts for all the heartache and confusion that plagues Libero-American relations? The answer is semantics, the linguistic field of word meanings. The concepts identified by the same words are often quite different between Liberal and American English. As a token of my desire to bridge this gap I  submit these translations. Starting with “A” of course.

 

The Definitions

1. A—grade automatically given by humanities professors to goons who harass the token conservative student in the classroom.
2. ACLU (American Civil Liberties Union, aka Three Lies in Four Words— Don’t worry. We’ll get offended for you. No! Really! It’s no trouble at all.
3. Actor/Actress—unimportant person who makes a living pretending to be an important person.
4. Art—various forms of creative self-expression that in its highest form involves graphic displays of and references to body functions.
5. Asian: A sell-out ethnic minority guilty of making other ethnic minorities look bad by outperforming caucasians.
6. Ass—the ironically appropriate symbol of the Democratic party ; also: in debates, describes an opponent who raised a point for which you had not rehearsed an answer.

Mahmoud’s Plutonium Hammer

Mahmoud’s Plutonium Hammer
Sung to the tune of the Beatle’s “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer”

Pelosi was political, submitted parasitical
Bills into the house
To sell them to the red-state rubes
Louse-ouse-ouse-ouse…….
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad annointed Hand of God
Texts her on his iPhone
“How’s about a dialog,
Nan-an-an-cy?”
But as the queen of sycophancy
Steps onto the plane….

Flash, bang, Mahmoud’s plutonium hammer
Scalded the retinas from her head
Flash, bang, Mahmoud’s plutonium hammer
Made sure that we were dead

Back at the UN again Mahmoud plays the saint again
But no troops will be deployed
Instead they will just try to re-appease-ee-ee-ease
It’s the Blue Helmet way when the news has gone away
To ignore the crime
And give him 50 second cha-a-a-ances
But when they go back to embezzling
He sends some grimy slime…..

Flash, bang, Mahmoud’s plutonium hammer
Broiled us in our beds
Flash, bang, Mahmoud’s plutonium hammer
Justified all of our dread

Harry Reid promised his heart would bleed
When he got the time
Busy denouncing the military you kno-o-o-ow
Boxer and Hillary scream to the empty gallery
That killers from A to Z must go free
The voters all disagree and say they must go-o-o-o
But as they make their way to the polls
A brilliant flash makes them blind….

Flash, bang, Mahmoud’s plutonium hammer
Killed their nation dead
Flash, bang, Mahmoud’s plutonium hammer
Made sure civilization bled

Teddy Kennedy—Author

Another of my old favorites.

I read a post on Malkin’s blog that Ted Kennedy has branched out into children’s literature. I can’t help but find that entirely appropriate. We can’t expect Kennedy’s 3 remaining brain cells to crank out Age of Reason now can we?

We can hope, however, that if he is successful he might retire from the Senate. I mean have his body retire too, not just his mind. To that end I would like to suggest a few titles of possible follow-on books to his “My Senator and Me: A Dogs-Eye View of Washington, D.C.”:

1. What to Do When Daddy Takes the Training Wheels Off of the Oldsmobile
2. Crackle, Crackle, Sizzle, Pop. Oh No! It’s My Liver, Make It Stop!
3. Dead Girls Tell No Wives
4. Only Sissies Read Bills Before They Sign Them
5. Hangover Remedies for Preschoolers
6. The Joy of Action-Figure Sex (with Alex Comfort)
7. One Hundred and One Things You Can Do With Vodka
8. Self-esteem When You’re Not Important Enough to Assassinate
9. The Fine Art of Erotic Teeter-Totter (with Alex Comfort)
10. How to Make a Wet Bar Out of Dry Sand
11. The Book of Simulating Virtues
12. Robbing the Honor Bar for Little Fingers
13. Bagging Bikini Babes for Beer Bellies
14. One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor!
15. The Tao of Liquor
16. Skipping Through the 12 Steps