The Liberal Lexicon: “I” Words and Phrases

The Fine Art of Liberal to English Translation

Contrary to popular belief, Liberals do speak a form of English. Their dialect, though strange, is quite similar to American English. In fact, the vocabulary, grammar, syntax, and even the accents are identical. So what accounts for all the heartache and confusion that plagues Libero-American relations? The answer is semantics, the linguistic field of word meanings. The concepts identified by the same words are often quite different between Liberal and American English. As a token of my desire to bridge this gap I humbly submit these translations.

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The Definitions

1. Indoctrination—Sunday School.
2. Interest—Theft, when collected by a private lending firm. Investment (see below), when collected by a government entity.
3. Intern—a mobile humidor.
4. Internal Revenue Service—the only law enforcement agency not staffed entirely by fascist criminals.
5. Intolerance—insisting on standing by your original position even though a liberal has whined about how it makes him feel.
6. Investment— confiscatory taxation.
7. Irrelevant—describes information or evidence that proves a liberal’s guilt beyond a reasonable doubt.
8. Islam—The only truly peaceful religion, thus the only one allowed and expected to use swift and blinding violence to prove it.
9. Ivins, Molly— hideous woman who never quite got over George Bush standing her up at the prom.

Sad, but True #5

Youth is wasted on the young; retirement is wasted on the old.

The Liberal Lexicon: “G” Words and Phrases

The Fine Art of Liberal to English Translation

Contrary to popular belief, Liberals do speak a form of English. Their dialect, though strange, is quite similar to American English. In fact, the vocabulary, grammar, syntax, and even the accents are identical. So what accounts for all the heartache and confusion that plagues Libero-American relations? The answer is semantics, the linguistic field of word meanings. The concepts identified by the same words are often quite different between Liberal and American English. As a token of my desire to bridge this gap I humbly submit these translations.

The Definitions

1. Gay—A term that formerly meant “very happy” but now designates someone who engages in male-on-male sex, while feminists find this undesirable because it makes not one but two men happy, it is still pretty nifty.
2. Germany—a formerly fierce European nation that is gradually becoming more effeminate than the French.
3. Girl—future victim of male exploitation.
4. God— the planet Earth, which we are not fit to walk upon.
5. Greed—An antisocial desire to keep money one has earned.
6. Gridlock— when conservatives don’t roll over and play dead.
7. Gulf War, First— A Republican temper tantrum resulting in the death of hundreds of thousands of Iraqi social workers who were just visiting their neighbors.
8. Gulf War, Second— A childish attempt by a son to impress his father by invading a sovereign country, killing innocent foreign tourists, and deposing a kindly stateman who had been duly elected by 100% of eligible voters.

The Liberal Lexicon: “F” Words and Phrases

The Definitions

1. F—the grade you’ll get if your poli sci professor sees you at the Young Republicans rally or you speak up in class.
2. Fascist—Republican
3. Family—An outmoded social institution traditionally used by chauvanistic males to oppress and subjugate women and stifle the sexual expressiveness of children.
4. Fatherhood— the status of having sexually assaulted an exploited a woman.
5. Female Conservative —traitorous bitch.
6. Feminist—a pseudo-woman who lives in contstant fear that somewhere, somehow, someway, a man is happy.
7. Finger, Middle— debating technique used by liberals when unable to defend one of their premises.
8. Finger, Purple—an offensive gesture when brandished by ecstatic Iraqis, considered far worse that they middle finger (see above)
9. First Amendment— A supplementary clause added to The Constitution in order to prevent the existence of churches and to allow the use of foul language in front of small children.
10. Food Stamp— a medium of exchange that allows certain people to buy food with other people’s money. Recipients are unfairly prohibited from buying liquor or cigarettes with them.
11. France—What we want American to be when it grows up.
12. Freedom of Association— when liberal women reject men because of their income and height.
13. Freedom Fighter— an enemy of the United States or its allies that hasn’t killed anyone that you know yet.
14. French, The— residents of a European nation known chiefly for eating snails and inventing the military tactic of preemptive surrender.
15. Fully Funded—no fiscal oversight.
16. Fundamentalist—a Jew or Christian who isn’t kidding.

The Memo Writers’s Observations on Life #2

Students at the Michael Moore Elementary School proudly display their winning entry in the Independence Day banner contest. By the way, God created dirty words so liberals wouldn’t be mute.

1. People shouldn’t drink and vote.
2. Voting for Democrats is nothing to be ashamed of, as long as you do it in the dark and wash your hands afterwards. (Apologies to Robert A. Heinlein.)
3. To liberals it will always be 1969.
4. Fifty-year-old men shouldn’t wear pony-tails.
5. Public schools have turned into giant under-staffed day care centers.
6. Left-wingers keep shrieking the same old tired talking points for the same reason that skydivers keep yanking on the ripcord of a parachute that has failed to open.
7. Why aren’t more open-border proponents studying Spanish and Arabic? They’re going to need it.
8. Liberals deeply resent the religionization of Christmas.
9. Feminists hate women.
10. Children don’t want freedom as much as they want parents.
11. Liberals think failure is a virtue.
12. Real life lesbians don’t look like the ones in the movies.
13. Most university professors have lost their key to the clue locker.
14. The concept of an objective reality makes liberals wake up screaming at night.
15. The French still think they’re significant.

The Memo Writer’s Observations on Life #1

1. Women will always hack off their hair and switch to frumpy clothes after you marry, then claim they just wanted to look nice for you.
2. Auto mechanics will always think that you’re an idiot.
3. Liberals will club you in the head repeatedly in you refuse to join their peace protest.
4. Radical Liberals abhor violence and are willing to commit any act of violence to prevent it.
5. Environmentalists firmly believe that by burning SUVs, multi-million dollars homes, ski resorts, industrial sites, and other places of employment constitutes helping their fellow man.
6. Liberals who successfully sue tobacco companies will celebrate by firing up a joint and holding the smoke until they faint.
7. Cashiers at fast-food restaurants can’t speak English.
8. Cashiers anywhere are not hired for their math skills.
9. Complaining about cashiers does no good because the manager can’t speak English.
10. In California you can entered into a long-term intimate relationship with a goat but adjusting the fast idle screw on your carburetor will get you the death penalty.
11. Celebrities are unimportant people who make their living pretending to be important people.
12. People who violently oppose petroleum drilling, transportation, exploration, pipelines, tankers, storage facilities, and refineries bitch the most about high fuel prices.
13. People who live in states with the most punitive anti-business laws attribute their unemployment to corporate greed and government conspiracies.
14. Nobody will ever live long enough to see an unscrewed-up order at a fast-food restaurant drive-through.
15. Liberals will always believe that the only justification for having a military is as a jobs program.
16. Drivers in New Mexico have their turn-signal levers welded in the off position.
17. Women with large breasts want small ones, those with small breast want large ones, medium-sized women can go either way, and they all want you to pay for the surgery.
18. Men will never end their quest for a virgin nymphomaniac.
19. Ex-wives will still call you and demand that you do chores around what used to be your house.
20. Cars only break down when you take a short-cut through the most dangerous part of the city.

Left-Wing Wasteland

Because it’s time for another song parody. I would actually record these but the only musicians I’m friends with are Left-wingers.

sung to the tune of Baba O’Reilly

Left-Wing Wasteland

Out here on the streets
After Left-wing conceits
We push our cars to keep them moving
But we’ve got no rights
Humanity’s a blight
If we’re gone, the Earth’s improving

Don’t whine
Don’t waste your time
Finally, Left-wing wasteland

Daughter, take my hand
Let’s run while we can
Don’t look behind
It’s just Atlas Shrugging
Now the Ummah is here
Children tremble in fear
The Chosen Ones are raging
Our girls’ hopes are ending

Left-wing wasteland
It’s just a Left-wing wasteland
A Left-wing wasteland

How To Impersonate a Liberal

I was out running some errands earlier today and listening to Michael Medved while I did it. Now, Michael is far from my favorite Conservative, but not my least favorite either. I didn’t hear what set them off, but I listened to a series of irate liberals call in and berate him. One went so far as to call him stupid. Ironically, in each case the caller had misunderstood Medved’s point and were railing against, not what he said, but rather what they thought he had said. Even worse, even if he had said those things, their refutations consisted mostly of ad hominem attacks and overwrought comparison of apples to oranges. To his credit, Medved answered their rants as if they were rational human beings.

Still, it all reminded me of the old joke from way back when:

Q: How do you impersonate a Liberal?

A: Spend a lot of time talking about complicated world issues that you don’t understand.

The Liberal Lexicon: “E” Words and Phrases

The Definitions

1. Education—indoctrination.
2. Elderly, The— aged saps who will vote for you consistently if sufficiently terrified.
3. Enemy—you.
4. English—Language used by capitalist imperialist aggressors to ruthlessly suppress native cultures of subjugated people. Should be used as little as possible because it just encourages conservatives.
5. Enlightenment—historically, a period of intellectual and spiritual darkness perpetuated by European white males against the rest of humanity; as a mental state, the realization that liberals were right all along.
6. Entitlement Programs— bribes for for their constituents.
7. Equal Time— giving liberal commentators 90% of air time and print in the media.
8. Evil—Used to describe people and things that are wicked, malicious, viscious, and willfully harmful to other people, just as in English; however, it is only used after the person or thing has already been defeated by conservative action.
9. Expert—liberal who doesn’t blow his lines when reading off of our script.
10. Exploitation— economic growth.

The Liberal Lexicon: “D” Words and Phrases

The Definitions

1. D—the grade university humanities professors award to self-identified conservative students after they finally learn to keep their mouths shut.
2. Daughter—any female offspring that you are required to support and whose mind and reproductive organs belong to us.
3. Death Penalty:— The immoral taking of life as punishment for murder, rape, treason, and other forms of self-expression. The only known legitimate use of the death penalty was the execution of a multitude of capitalist pigs committing foul deeds in two 110-storey office buildings.
4. Democracy—having recounts until we get the results that we want.
5. Democratic Rebuttal—tantrum.
6. Dialogue—begging our enemies for mercy.
7. Diplomacy—the process of making Faustian bargains.
8. Discrimination—freedom of association.
9. Disenfranchisement—when Democracts lose election because our constituents are either too stupid to use a voting machine or put their eyes out with the punch card stylus.
10. Diversity— the condition of various races and ethnicities all having the same opinions.

Handy Tip 11

When a Democrat utters any phrase or sentence with the word “social” in it you should put your hand over your wallet and start backing slowly toward the nearest exit.

The Liberal Lexicon: “C” Words and Phrases

The Definitions

1. C—highest grade usually given to conservative students in a university humanities class, obtainable only by possessing the photographs of the professor with a 16-year old Guatemalan hooker that were taken on his last sabbatical.
2. Cabal—Republican National Convention.
3. Cambodia—Southeast Asian country best known for stacking the skulls of their fellow citizens into giant pyramids to protest American imperialist aggression.
4. Canada—irrelevant country to the north of the United States whose inhabitants secretly resent Americans for not conquering them thus saving them from the embarrassment of being Canadian.
5. Caucasian—a subclass of human beings incapable of virtue.
6. Censorship—the act of insisting that the local high school remove all copies of Bodacious Hooters Magazine from their periodicals section.
7. Child/Adolescent/Teenage Conservative—Demonspawn in various stages of development. Should be placed in an Ivy League university at the earliest opportunity.
8. Church—One of several subversive organizations which ruthlessly compete with the State for worshipers.
9. Civil Rights— what conservatives forfeit whenever citing any of the amendments in the Bill of Rights.
10. Coffee—what we refuse to smell when we wake up,
11. Coffee Break— one of two periods of rest from labor during the work day mandated by the government, preferably taken from Monday through Tuesday and Thursday through Friday.
12. Compassion—show of empathy and support, manifested chiefly by the expenditure of other people’s money.
13. Compromise—what conservatives should do when they’re ahead in the polls.
14. Constituent— One of various factions or special interest groups you can play against one another for personal gain.
15. Constitution, The— document written by Enlightenment Era fascists, its provisions are chiefly useful in undermining The Constitution.
16. Corporate Welfare— any portion of a company’s money remaining after taxes.
17. Coulter, Ann— blond female demon who serves her evil masters in their plan to wipe out all the good done by Democratic policies. Known to gratuitously offend feminists by being prettier and more successful than they are.
18. Coven—the Republican National Committee.
19. Criminal—a police officer or law enforcement officers in general, especially those who enforce immigration law.
20. Cuba—island paradise for antique automobile enthusiasts, home of some of the world’s most accomplished boating and tubing enthusiasts.
21. Cultural Genocide— a process by which the vastly superior cultures of third world countries are gradually eliminated by immigrants accepting the values that created the conditions that made them move here in the first place.

Sad, But True #3

God is female. And she’s cramping.

The Liberal Lexicon: “B” Words and Phrases

The Definitions

1. B—grade given by professors to classroom goons who are not on any sports team in order to prove that grade-inflation is a myth.
2. Bible, The—Lies! Lies! All lies I tell you.
3. Bigot—Anyone winning an argument with a liberal. (Not original, but still true.)
4. Bipartisanship—when Republicans abandon their principles faster than a horde of Frenchmen running from a bar of soap.
5. Birth Control Pills—medication that should be sold in vending machines at your daughter’s middle school.
6. Border—a usually imaginary line dividing one country from another. Borders are inviolable symbols of sovereignty with the sole exception of the United States.
7. Border Patrol— American Gestapo
8. Boy—future bastard.
9. Bush, George H. W.— son of Satan.
10. Bush, George W.— grandson of Satan

Legalize Crime!

Memorandum

From: Memo Writer
Topic: Eliminating Crime with Amnesty Programs

Abstract: The Illegal Immigration advocate have finally convinced management of the wisdom of blanket amnesties. We must admit that we can’t understand why we never saw the wisdom of getting rid of 12 to 20 million law breakers, just by waving a magic wand and saying, “abracadabra, you’re legal,” and giving the former lawbreakers a spiffy new name. After due reflection management thinks we can apply this principle to all crime and eliminate it everywhere, forever. To this end, management submits the following suggestion:

Item 1:
Old Name: Murderer
New Name: Afterlife Facilitator

Item 2:
Old Name: Rapist
New Name: Rough Sex Specialist

Item 3:
Old Name: Pedophile
New Name: Nomadic Sex Instructor

Item 4:
Old Name: Carjacker
New Name:Vehicle Performance Spotchecker

Item5:
Old Name: Drug Dealer
New Name: Freelance Pharmacist

Item 6:
Old Name: Tax Evader
New Name: Tax Evader (There’s got to be limits!)

Item 7:
Old Name: Traitor
New Name: Multiple-loyalty Citizen

Item 8:
Old Name: Embezzler
New Name: Alternative Finance Technician

Item 9:
Old Name: Kidnapper
New Name: High-initiative Travel Agent

Item 10:
Old Name: Fugitive
New Name: Jurisdiction Connoisseur

Top 10 Reasons Liberal Democrats Fear Social Security Reform

Top 10 Reasons Liberal Democrats Fear Social Security Reform

The Savior of All Working Men and Women
Bow down and worship me Republican dogs.

1. If Social Security dies they’ll have to admit that nothing good came out of the New Deal.
2. The ghost of Eleanor Roosevelt told Hillary it was a bad idea.
3. Concern that the elderly can still swing a bat.
4. They’ll lose their best means of disguising tax increases.
5. It’s fun to watch retirees grovel for help.
6. If things get better it will be even harder to convince the voters that they can’t live without the Democratic Party.
7. Reagan thought it was a good idea.
8. Osama bin Laden sent an e-mail saying that Allah thinks it’s a bad idea.
9. The fervent belief that transfer payments are good for the economy.
10. Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s ghost told them if they would save it he would run for another term.

Sad, But True #2

A short skirt makes a persuasive argument.

The Liberal Lexicon: “A” Words and Phrases

The Fine Art of Liberal to English Translation

Contrary to popular belief, Liberals do speak a form of English. Their dialect, though strange, is quite similar to American English. In fact, the vocabulary, grammar, syntax, and even the accents are identical. So what accounts for all the heartache and confusion that plagues Libero-American relations? The answer is semantics, the linguistic field of word meanings. The concepts identified by the same words are often quite different between Liberal and American English. As a token of my desire to bridge this gap I  submit these translations. Starting with “A” of course.

 

The Definitions

1. A—grade automatically given by humanities professors to goons who harass the token conservative student in the classroom.
2. ACLU (American Civil Liberties Union, aka Three Lies in Four Words— Don’t worry. We’ll get offended for you. No! Really! It’s no trouble at all.
3. Actor/Actress—unimportant person who makes a living pretending to be an important person.
4. Art—various forms of creative self-expression that in its highest form involves graphic displays of and references to body functions.
5. Asian: A sell-out ethnic minority guilty of making other ethnic minorities look bad by outperforming caucasians.
6. Ass—the ironically appropriate symbol of the Democratic party ; also: in debates, describes an opponent who raised a point for which you had not rehearsed an answer.

Hillary Unmasked

 

 The Hildebeast without her makeup.

Deep Thoughts 5

Liberals deeply resent the religionization of Christmas.