Handy Tip 11

When a Democrat utters any phrase or sentence with the word “social” in it you should put your hand over your wallet and start backing slowly toward the nearest exit.

Handy Tip 10

No one looks good with a soul patch, not even you.

Handy Tip 9

Intelligence in one field doesn’t ipso facto imply intelligence in any other.

Handy Tip 8

Intelligence and maturity are inversely proportional to the number of bumper stickers on the back of a person’s car. Drive accordingly—and use a speed-loader.

Handy Tip 7

People who smoke, toke, drink, party, bar-hop, and have sex with prostitutes will always believe that their problems are caused by corporate and/or minority conspiracies. Warning: do not attempt to use logic with these people.

Handy Tip 6

During a conversation, if someone uses the word “social” in a sentence without making finger quotes in the air, put your hand over your wallet and back slowly toward the nearest exit.

Handy Tip 5

A beautiful woman will sleep with a man for any reason as long as it’s not a good one.

Handy Tip 4

Your love for your spouse tends to be directly proportional to the obnoxiousness of your in-laws.

Handy Tip 3

The use of personal hygiene products is directly proportional to the distance someone will stand from you.

Handy Tip 2

No matter who you meet they will always be convinced that the United States was founded on whatever they believe in.