Just for the Record

Just for the record. If the Obamessiah does win the presidency, I predict a decades-old position of mine will be disproven. For over 30 years I have confidently stated that there will never be a worse president that Jimmy Carter. I expect Jimmy will be bumped to 2nd place all too soon unless Obama can be put on a short leash like Clinton was when the Democrats lost control of Congress in 1994.

The Memo Writer’s Observations on Life #1

1. Women will always hack off their hair and switch to frumpy clothes after you marry, then claim they just wanted to look nice for you.
2. Auto mechanics will always think that you’re an idiot.
3. Liberals will club you in the head repeatedly in you refuse to join their peace protest.
4. Radical Liberals abhor violence and are willing to commit any act of violence to prevent it.
5. Environmentalists firmly believe that by burning SUVs, multi-million dollars homes, ski resorts, industrial sites, and other places of employment constitutes helping their fellow man.
6. Liberals who successfully sue tobacco companies will celebrate by firing up a joint and holding the smoke until they faint.
7. Cashiers at fast-food restaurants can’t speak English.
8. Cashiers anywhere are not hired for their math skills.
9. Complaining about cashiers does no good because the manager can’t speak English.
10. In California you can entered into a long-term intimate relationship with a goat but adjusting the fast idle screw on your carburetor will get you the death penalty.
11. Celebrities are unimportant people who make their living pretending to be important people.
12. People who violently oppose petroleum drilling, transportation, exploration, pipelines, tankers, storage facilities, and refineries bitch the most about high fuel prices.
13. People who live in states with the most punitive anti-business laws attribute their unemployment to corporate greed and government conspiracies.
14. Nobody will ever live long enough to see an unscrewed-up order at a fast-food restaurant drive-through.
15. Liberals will always believe that the only justification for having a military is as a jobs program.
16. Drivers in New Mexico have their turn-signal levers welded in the off position.
17. Women with large breasts want small ones, those with small breast want large ones, medium-sized women can go either way, and they all want you to pay for the surgery.
18. Men will never end their quest for a virgin nymphomaniac.
19. Ex-wives will still call you and demand that you do chores around what used to be your house.
20. Cars only break down when you take a short-cut through the most dangerous part of the city.

John McCain and Global Warming

I just watched the focus group testing of John McCain’s new global warming ad. In it he assures somebody, most likely not his own team, that he believes in global warming.

I’ll take a different tact on this just for a change. Believing in climate change is like believing in sunrises and sunsets. They all happen, have happened, and will continue to happen. It’s not all that daring just because the time frame is different. As I’ve posted elsewhere, even if true, the effects of global warming will be the slowest moving catastrophe in recent history. In one of the breathlessly panicked forecasts I’ve read we’re told that sea level will soon rise by a fraction of an inch a year. This would allow more than enough time for a responsible government led by grownups (read that ‘not liberals’) to respond. The people could evacuate entirely, move to a higher elevation, or (far more likely) postpone the inevitable by a massive spending project on a system of dikes and levees.

Even if none of this works and coastal cities are destroyed, don’t cry! Celebrate! You’re environmentalists for Gaia’s sake! You hate cities anyway. This also has the additional benefit of making the land you bought out in the boondocks, to get away from the human blight, into highly desirable beach property. You can sell it on the sly, and become filthy rich, all while hypocritically condemning the capitalist system. You know! Just like all of those people you slavishly vote for.

More seriously, few people I know seriously deny climate change. The climate has always changed, and will always continue to do so. The question is whether humans caused it. The, answer of course not. It’s an ongoing process. Well then, do humans make it worse? Probably, but only to an insignificant level. About the same way that coupling one extra boxcar to a 100-car train makes the wreck worse if it jumps the tracks. In other words, it only matters if you addicted to shame.

I think maybe Obama and McCain should share a campaign slogan this cycle: We’re screwed in ‘08.

Exploring Two of Hillary Clinton’s Multitudinous Faces

Memorandum

From: The Memo Writer
Topic: Hillary Clinton’s Sudden Concern for High Fuel Prices

Abstract: News reports today indicate that Hillary Clinton has issued a recommendation that the government release fuel from the Strategic Petroleum Reserve for ease rising prices. Management has noticed that, as usual, this cynical gesture has generated an epidemic of warm fuzzy feelings and a plague of giddy “aws” from staff with short memories. Staff members with longer memories but suffering from Chronic Political Gullibility Syndrome are experiencing anxious feelings they can’t identify. To alleviate these problems, management requires all USA staff to read the following:

Item 1: Hillary’s suggestion is pure political posturing. Hillary, and others like her, have always maintained that Americans pay too little for fuel.

Item 2: Liberal Democrats are notorious for waxing poetic about the “$5 to $7 per gallon” that Europeans pay during price run-ups.

Item 3: Any Liberals objection to the present run-up is because none of the run-up is the result of the heavy additional taxation they recommend during period of low fuel prices.

Item 4: The Strategic Petroleum Reserve, born in a fit of crisis-induced political posturing, is for emergencies. Emergencies are understood to be disruptions in fuel supply that would immobilize the military and law enforcement, disrupt shipments of food or medicine, or that shut off the heat and lights in January. Your vacation to Maui will never qualify as an emergency no matter how big of a fit you throw.

Item 5: The reserve isn’t as big as you think. As of November 8, 2007, the SPR has 694.7 million barrels of crude oil stored. Management knows that number sounds big, but if withdrawn at the maximum possible rate, the reserve would be exhausted in 57 days. Just in case you’re a registered Democrat, that’s less than two months.

Item Six: Presently, the United States imports about 12 million barrels of oil per day—that’s per day! The SPR only has the capacity to withdraw 4.4 million barrels per day. A total disruption of our imported supply would result in a fuel deficit of approximately 8 million barrels a day—per day! For those of you who weren’t alive in the 1970s, or were too young to remember, let the voice of experience tell you that a smaller deficit sucked more than you can possibly imagine.

Item Seven: A politically motivated release of fuel from the SPR will do nothing to make the situation better, it will only make you feel better, just like all previous politically motivated releases.

Item Eight: By now you’ve probably asked: If all of this is true, then why does Hillary want to do it? The reason is that most of you think short term while Hillary, for all of her other faults, thinks long term. Hillary wants to be president. Why? Because it is the ultimate position in the world for engaging in social engineering, which has always been Hillary’s goal in life. To be president, she has to get elected, at least for now. She doesn’t want to face an election with a populace paying $5 or more per gallon for gasoline. Especially not against an opponent on record as advocating increasing domestic fuel supplies and refining capacity.

Item Nine: Hillary, just like Bill, doesn’t give a damn about you and never will. After she is safely ensconced in office, she will be perfectly content to let all of you, even you loyal Democrats in the Rust Belt, freeze to death in the dark. It will be a small price to pay to realize Hillary’s Utopian vision for the world.

Item Ten: Most of the crude oil held in the SPR is highly polluting “sour” crude. So, at least for a little while, you’ll have to choose between cleaner air and luxuries like electricity and transportation.

Item Eleven: As long as the Champagne is chilled and the engines on Air Force One are singing happily, you will only matter for one day in November every four years.

Management recommends you study and remember these items as there will be a test given on November 4, 2008.

Global Warming: The World’s Slowest Moving Disaster

A Reuters story I read recently (link died unfortunately) reports that due to Global Warming sea levels could rise 4 and 1/2 feet by the year 2100. They also say this is much worse than expected. Let’s put this is perspective. A quick calculation show that when averaged out, the disaster will be occurring at slightly over a half inch per year. This is their worst case scenario.

This will not be the end of civilization, even if true, and I’m still skeptical about that. That pace is slow enough that even Democrats could adapt and we all know what evolutionary dead-ends they are. Yes, over a long period of time things would have to be moved, beach front property will be lost as new beach front property is created, and a few more rich people’s stilt homes will slide down hills they should never have been built on. But in the end, Denver will still be there, as will every town or city that I’ve ever lived in.

Wake up and smell the coffee (or, if you’re a Liberal, regain consciousness and take another hit on your crack pipe). The Environmental Movement is a fraud. As many other people have observed, it has become the hiding ground for anti-capitalist Leftists and “Back to the jungle” Luddites whose ideas no longer have any cachet.

Democractic Party Solutions Applied to Everyday Situations

• Effective immediately all Caucasians and successful minorities will be required to practice the “open garage” policy. Garage doors must be left open at all times. The inner door must be unlocked as well. After all, trespassers just want a cold beer and to watch some TV, just like everybody else.
• Due to government concerns about the health of the petroleum transfer industry, gas station attendants will be paid $5 per gallon not to pump your gas, if they don’t pump 10 gallons or more they get double trading stamps.
• Universities will immediately desist from the discriminatory practice of limiting the number of students that can register for a given class and thus oppressing the punctuality-challenged. All interested students must be allowed to enroll. In an unrelated matter universities will be fined $10,000 per student per semester for each instance of insufficient seating.
• To prevent the undue hardship of a disconnection, delinquent utility bills will be paid by the neighbors living on either side of the financially distressed person.
• All accelerated and advanced placement courses in public schools are hereby canceled. Students with higher aptitude will be required to tutor remedial students. After all, it’s only fair. They won in life’s lottery. Failure to comply will result in the forfeiture of any future student grants and loans.
• The concept of the checkout counter “Leave a penny, take a penny” dish has proven so popular that the legislature has passed a bill applying the principle to the pockets of people standing next to you in line. Despite the name, the law permits any denomination to be taken. Participation is compulsory.
• In order to comply with health regulations restaurants and grocery stores are henceforth required to give a sponge bath to any homeless person that may wander into the building.
• Newspaper boys are required to charge their subscribers on a sliding scale determined by means testing. If the subscriber is illiterate, the paper boy is required to read it to the subscriber. To insure good service to the underprivileged, stiff penalties will be assessed for late delivery.
• In order to put a stop to the scourge of racial profiling, identification cards will no longer be required to cash a check, buy cigarettes or alcohol, buy guns or ammunition, attend adult movies, sign a contract, or pick up children from any daycare facility.

Overlooked Means to Achieve Energy Independence

I don’t believe that all possible avenues towards energy independence have been explored. Toward that end is offer the following overlooked ways of saving and producing more oil.

1. Use existing shale oil technology to extract oil from environmentalist’s unwashed hair.
2. If rationing becomes necessary again, assign ration priority numbers with lower numbers getting fuel first and higher numbers getting fuel last. Give all environmentals the highest number. You know, kind of like the draft number they wanted during Vietnam.
3. If the fuel shortage becomes so severe people can no longer drive their SUVs to work, require liberals to give them a lift in their Priuses.
4. Allow an oil company to build a refinery in your back yard, then move.
5. Require all liberals to make a pilgrimage to the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge–in January.
6. Attach generators to all stationary bikes in gyms in San Francisco and Marin Counties. Turn all the TVs to Fox News Channel then “lose” the remotes.
7. Chain Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton to treadmills with generators attached. Then set TV cameras in front of them. If additional power is required add a third treadmill with John Edwards on it and park an ambulance in front of him.
8. Challenge Democratic politicians to power their limousines the “Flintstone way”.
9. Get nuclear power plant construction moving again by telling liberal politicians it’s “French electricity”. Tell hold outs that the waste will be dumped in a Republican district.
10. If rolling blackouts become necessary, start in Washington, DC, preferably in the summer.