Ann Coulter Debates Nancy Pelosi: Or Why We’re Glad She’s On Our Side

Debate Transcipt: Ann Coulter vs. Congressman Anthony Farkleworth (D) Vermont
Editor’s Note: Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D) California relieved Rep. Farkleworth when he tragically became unable to fulfill his role in the debate.

Moderator: Good evening ladies and gentleman and welcome to this evening’s debate. Our guest tonight are Ann Coulter, conservative columnist and author, and Congressman Anthony Farkleworth, Democrat of Vermont. Tonight’s topic is the diametrically opposed agendas of their respective political parties. Ms. Coulter, Congressman Farkleworth, thanks for being with us this evening.

Farkleworth: My pleasure Jim, any time.

Coulter: Mine too Jim, There’s nothing I enjoy more than a good liberal evisceration.

Farkleworth: (laughing) I think we’re a little overconfident tonight Ann.

Moderator: Easy now Ms. Coulter, save something for the actual debate.

Coulter: First, we’re not on a first name basis, Farkleworth. Second, I’m always debating, Jim.

Moderator: (laughing) I suppose you are Ms. Coulter, you’re well known for your aggessive style.

Coulter: (laughing) That’s just a viscious rumor started by my victims, Jim.

Moderator: …er…well, be that as it may Ann, we need to get started. Mr. Farkleworth won the coin toss back stage, so he’ll go first.

Coulter: Not until the ratfink gives me my quarter back.

Moderator: (scowling) Mr. Farkleworth?

Farkleworth: (sighing) OK. Fine. Here you go cheapskate.

Coulter: You throw like a girl Farkleworth.

Farkleworth: I’ll bet you do too.

Coulter: Maybe because I’m am a girl, you numb nut.

Moderator: (angry) That’s enough you two! Don’t make me get out the rubber hose!

Farkleworth: (excited) Ooooooooooooo!

Coulter: I floss my teeth with rubber hoses, Jim.

Moderator: (nervously) Tragically, I’m inclined to believe that, Ms. Coulter. Anyway, let’s get started. You first Mr. Farkleworth.

Farkleworth: Certainly, Jim. Ms. Coulter, you’ve been aptly described as a conservative Pit Bull. I think that’s an excellent analogy. What makes you think a GOP hack such as yourself is qualified to debate on this important topic?

Coulter: (Grrrrr. Snarl. Snap, snap, snap.)

Moderator and Farkleworth: Excuse me?

Coulter: (Grrrr. Snarl. Grrrrrrrrrrrr! Gnash! Gnash! Gnash!)

Farkleworth: Jim, she’s making me nervous.

Moderator: Ms. Coutler, don’t make me ring my bell. I’m not afraid to use it.

Coulter: (chewing) (Crunch. Munch. Crunch. Munch.)

Moderator: Ms. Coulter, why are you eating my bell?

Coulter: Women need extra iron. Everybody knows that, Jim.

Farkleworth: You see, Jim? That’s what passes for intelligent discourse on the right.

Coulter: (angry) You want a piece of me, weenie-boy?

Farkleworth: (equally angry) Bring it on, bitch!

Coulter: (leaping from behind podium) ed. note: At this point Ms. Coulter articulated an untranscribable blood-curdling scream.

Farklesworth: (shrieking like a girl) Shriek! Shriek! Holy Mother of God! My arm! My arm!

Moderator: (fainting) Uuuuuuh. (thump)

Coulter: (ripping, rending, shredding, and tearing flesh) (Rip. Rend. Shred. Tear.) Die, you liberal chum bucket!

Farkleworth: (fainting from blood loss) Uuuuuuh. (thud)

Moderator: (reviving) Jesus, Joseph, and Mary! Somebody call 911, now! You! Apply pressure to that stump. Now! You! Run down to the end of the hall and get all the ice you can! We’ve got to pack the arm in ice!

Coulter: Jim, could I have a tissue? There seems to be some blood on my chin.

Ed. Note: At this point Ms. Coulter was tackled by 6 security guards. Three of them lost fingers. Police were called and Ms. Coulter was hauled to City Jail. The debate resumed the next day.

Moderator: Welcome back to our debate ladies and gentleman. Due to Congressman Farkleworth’s unfortunate accident yesterday, the liberal side will be represented by Nancy Pelosi. How do you do Ms. Pelosi?

Pelosi: (patting pocket) Fine, Jim. I’ve got my Taser right here.

Moderator: (patting pocket) Me too, Ms. Pelosi

Coulter: (comtempuously) Hrrmmph! Sissies.

Moderator: (offended) I must say I’m surprised to see that you were able to post bail.

Coulter: The bondsman came around after I body-slammed him across his desk.

Moderator: (surprised) You body-slammed the bondsman?

Coulter: Yeah. Then I put him in a spinning toe hold. The little wimp couldn’t cough up the money fast enough.

Moderator: That doesn’t really fit in with your image, Ms. Coulter. If you’re so adept at hand-to-hand combat, why did you need those men to defend you at the pie-throwing incident.

Coulter: I like to be lady-like in front of the men folk. They really like that sort of thing. Jim. By the way, do you have a toothpick? I think I have a piece of Farkleworth stuck in my teeth.

Moderator: No sharp implements for you, Ms. Coulter. So, are you ladies ready to start?

Pelosi: (stepping out from behind the podium) Absolutely.

Coulter: (stepping out from behind the podium) Same here.

Moderator: Um, if you ladies would stop circling each other and get back behind your podiums we could get started.

Pelosi: (grumbling) This isn’t over, Coulter.

Coulter: (snarling) Any time, Pelosi.

Moderator: (muttering under his breath) I’m too old for this crap.

Pelosi: Beg your pardon.

Moderator: Nothing. Nothing. After the debacle yesterday we’ve decided to dispense with the opening statements.

Coulter: (glaring at moderator) That’s what I thought.

Moderator: (gulping) Gulp. The first question is for you Congresswoman Pelosi.

Pelosi: It had better be.

Moderator: (muttering under his breath) I should retire.

Pelosi: (clenching teeth) What?

Moderator: (moving two steps closer to the exit) Very well. Ms. Pelosi. You’ve stated that the defense budget needs to reigned in to provide additional funding for social programs. How can you justify this during a time of war?

Pelosi: Very easily, Jim. The United States is a big ol’ mean bully, and we deserve whatever we get. A strong defense just makes it harder for us to learn our lesson.

Coulter and Moderator: (groaning) Groan.

Pelosi: Furthermore, we need the funding for vital foreign aid programs. Particularly for countries in the Middle East.

Coulter and Moderator: (stunned) What the hell?

Coulter: Are you insane, Pelosi. The terrorists would intercept the money and buy sophisticated weapons with it. Is that what you want to accomplish?

Pelosi: Well, they need those weapons to defend themselves against us.

Moderator: (banging head on desk repeatedly) Kill me now, Lord. Kill me now.

Coulter: (bewildered) And just why should we have to pick up the tab for their weapons?

Pelosi: Well, it just seems fair, after the way we’ve cheated them on the price of oil.

Moderator: (beating head on table harder) I want to die! I want to die. I want to die!

Coulter: (holding up hands) Put your throat in here. Please. I’m begging you.

Pelosi: You’re a psycho.

Coulter: Moonbat.

Perosi: Skank.

Coulter: Man-proof.

Moderator: (losing consciousness and slumping to floor) Uuuuugh!

Pelosi: Should we help him?

Coulter: You’d like that wouldn’t you Pelosi, any excuse to to avoid honest debate.

Moderator: (reviving) Woman! Give it a rest.

Coulter: (cheerfully) Jim! You’re up! How’s the head?

Moderator: Never mind. Let’s move on to your rebuttal Ms. Coulter. What do you have to say about the defense budget?

Coulter: We need to increase it at least 200%

Pelosi: (choking) Gag! Ack! Ack! (coughing fit ensues)

Moderator: My thoughts exactly Ms. Pelosi. Ms. Coulter, what would the Defense Department do with all of that money?

Coulter: We need to build a destroyer base in Kansas and a carrier base in the Dakotas.

Pelosi: You lunatic! Those are land-locked states.

Coulter: Precisely why the enemy would never see it coming, Pelosi.

Moderator: (putting his bottle of vodka back on the desk) Sounds reasonable to me Nancy.

Pelosi: It’s insane. We’ll never stand for it! Never!

Coulter: Well I suppose we could compromise.

Pelosi: Now you’re finally making sense. Compromise is what we Democrats do best. Have you seen what we do with our principles and ethics? It’s amazing. What are you terms?

Coulter: (grinning maliciously) Well I suppose we could settle for a 100% increase in funding and two Air Force bases at those locations.

Pelosi: (smugly) That’s better.

Moderator: I think you’ve been had, Nancy.

Pelosi: (scandalized) Leave my sex life out of this, Jim. Hey! Coulter, where are you going?

Coulter: Home. I got what I came for.

Moderator: Well, that looks like it concludes our debate. I must say that in all my years in broadcasting I’ve never seen a debate with just one question, much less one that took two days to answer it, and don’t get me started on thecasualties.

Pelosi: I need a drink.

Moderator: I’ve got you taken care of right here, baby.

Pelosi: Give me that bottle!

Moderator: Say! You’re kind of cute when I’m drunk.

(fade to commercial)