The Fine Art of Liberal to English Translation
Contrary to popular belief, Liberals do speak a form of English. Their dialect, though strange, is quite similar to American English. In fact, the vocabulary, grammar, syntax, and even the accents are identical. So what accounts for all the heartache and confusion that plagues Libero-American relations? The answer is semantics, the linguistic field of word meanings. The concepts identified by the same words are often quite different between Liberal and American English. As a token of my desire to bridge this gap I humbly submit these translations.
The Definitions
- Gay—A term that formerly meant “very happy” but now designates someone who engages in male-on-male sex, while feminists find this undesirable because it makes not one but two men happy, it is still pretty nifty.
- Germany—a formerly fierce European nation that is gradually becoming more effeminate than the French.
- Girl—future victim of male exploitation.
- God— the planet Earth, which we are not fit to walk upon.
- Greed—An antisocial desire to keep money one has earned.
- Gridlock— when conservatives don’t roll over and play dead.
- Gulf War, First— A Republican temper tantrum resulting in the death of hundreds of thousands of Iraqi social workers who were just visiting their neighbors.
- Gulf War, Second— A childish attempt by a son to impress his father by invading a sovereign country, killing innocent foreign tourists, and deposing a kindly stateman who had been duly elected by 100% of eligible voters.
