Manifest American Exceptionalism

This is why foreign scientists refuse to use American mice in their experiments.

Teddy Kennedy—Author

Another of my old favorites.

I read a post on Malkin’s blog that Ted Kennedy has branched out into children’s literature. I can’t help but find that entirely appropriate. We can’t expect Kennedy’s 3 remaining brain cells to crank out Age of Reason now can we?

We can hope, however, that if he is successful he might retire from the Senate. I mean have his body retire too, not just his mind. To that end I would like to suggest a few titles of possible follow-on books to his “My Senator and Me: A Dogs-Eye View of Washington, D.C.”:

1. What to Do When Daddy Takes the Training Wheels Off of the Oldsmobile
2. Crackle, Crackle, Sizzle, Pop. Oh No! It’s My Liver, Make It Stop!
3. Dead Girls Tell No Wives
4. Only Sissies Read Bills Before They Sign Them
5. Hangover Remedies for Preschoolers
6. The Joy of Action-Figure Sex (with Alex Comfort)
7. One Hundred and One Things You Can Do With Vodka
8. Self-esteem When You’re Not Important Enough to Assassinate
9. The Fine Art of Erotic Teeter-Totter (with Alex Comfort)
10. How to Make a Wet Bar Out of Dry Sand
11. The Book of Simulating Virtues
12. Robbing the Honor Bar for Little Fingers
13. Bagging Bikini Babes for Beer Bellies
14. One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor!
15. The Tao of Liquor
16. Skipping Through the 12 Steps

Handy Tip 8

Intelligence and maturity are inversely proportional to the number of bumper stickers on the back of a person’s car. Drive accordingly—and use a speed-loader.

Useful Idiots

Another of my favorites from the old site.

…and six months after being exiled to that barren wasteland they had established the worlds 3rd largest economy, 4th largest military, and the best medical system on the planet. After seven months hordes of uninvited “guests” swarmed into the new republic claiming that the Republicans had tricked them and taken all the jobs with them. (And for the love of God, somebody slap that smug smile off of that bitch’s face.)

Beware Political Bait and Switch

In talking to the various Joe Six-Packs that inhabit my world, I’ve learned that many have not caught on to the political tactic of first obfuscating then, if caught, baiting and switching. This tactic has been most egregiously applied in recent years on the topic of immigration. Putting the issue of obfuscation aside for the moment I’ll take up the ‘bait and switch”.

You’ll notice now that the general public has belatedly caught on to the issue of runaway illegal immigration, and once the politicians stopped howling in agony, they’ve suddenly seen the light and want immigration reform too. As a matter of a fact, they want it more than you. As a matter of fact, they’ve wanted it longer than you. Hell, now that they think about it, they’re the ones that talked you into it. But we can’t go at it haphazardly! No, the reform has to be comprehensive!

Comprehensive, that’s the new weasel word. It’s a word that automatically gives people a warm, fuzzy feeling. Probably from the warm, fuzzy feeling you get when you hear the phrase, comprehensive insurance. However, according to the dictionary it means, “covering completely or broadly”. Yes, even the definition is made of weasel words.

So beware, in the Leftist and RINO Bizarro Worlds comprehensive means legislation with a “poison pill” inside. You want actual border enforcement against illegals? Fine, it comes packaged with changes to “legal” immigration as bad or worse than illegal immigration ever was.

Bad things happen to those who don’t follow Ayn Rand’s dictum, “Define your terms.” When the government finally agrees to “do something” about the 12 to 20 million criminal invaders in our country, it’s just natural for reasonably intelligent law-abiding citizens to assume that means extensive deportation along with measures to convince the hold-outs to leave on their own. Unfortunately, politicians assume that means wave a political magic wand over those folks and ,through the magic of blanket amnesty, they’re legal. Then they proudly brag they’ve reduced the illegal population by millions, so vote for me.

Too Much Flux in Government Policy

I’ve been doing my bit, watching the news, reading the paper, listening to talk radio, and trying to keep up with what the hired help in Washington is doing. But I must admit I’m growing impatient. I would really like for our government to make up its mind on a course of action so that I’ll know whether to start teaching my children Spanish, Chinese, or Arabic. I don’t think it’s too much to ask, really.

Handy Tip 7

People who smoke, toke, drink, party, bar-hop, and have sex with prostitutes will always believe that their problems are caused by corporate and/or minority conspiracies. Warning: do not attempt to use logic with these people.

Why the Democratic Party Does Everything for “The Children” Now

Ever wonder why the party of abortion, childlessness, and voluntary extinction is suddenly so interested in the little ones? Me too! The results of my research:

1. Everybody’s caught on to the ” women and minorities hardest hit” thing.
2. Liberal’s attention spans are now so short that staffers couldn’t make it to the end of long phrases such as “women and minorities hardest hit”.
3. Adults aren’t intimidated when you threaten to kill Santa Claus.
4. Democrats are used to constituents who either can’t or won’t vote for them.
5. They’ve finally realized that they’ve aborted and birth-controlled their future base into extinction and, just like your money, if you have more than you “need” they should be able to take some.
6. They need the children to translate ballots so their parents will know who to vote for.
7. Democrats can’t tell the difference between real children and immature self-absorbed adults.
8. The party leadership feels most comfortable when dealing with people who have never worked for a living.
9. The magic words, the children, no longer cause opposition to instantly disappear. Unable to shift their paradigm, liberals believe the magic will be restored by saying the words louder, and more often. Kind of like a skydiver keeps yanking on the ripcord of a parachute that has failed to open.
10. The focus group shot down their first choice for a slogan, “Because we’re better than you are.”

Britain Tries, Weighs, Measures the United States and Finds It Wanting

In the time honored tradition of network television, I bring you a rerun. Actually, I’m reposting some of my favorite posts from my old blog, and this one July 3, 2006 is near the top and no doubt still entirely valid. Unfortunately. In it I take the article and give it a brutal Fisking. It was described as snarky, but was pure venom on my part. I’m a loyal American if nothing else.

July 3, 2006

I found an AFP article about a poll in Britain that shows our cross-Atlantic brethren have a less than stellar opinion of us. One: I’m not so sure how objective it was because if a Leftist polling organization conducted the poll the phrasing was most likely rigged. Two: Even if they do, who cares? Three: I seriously doubt these figures are accurate.

LONDON (AFP) – People in Britain view the United States as a vulgar, crime-ridden society obsessed with money and led by an incompetent president whose Iraq policy is failing, according to a newspaper poll.

1. Vulgar? I’ve seen your TV shows and commercials. Benny Hill? Gag!
2. Crime-ridden? Crime rates vary from year to year but have declining steadily since the beginning of the Reagan era.
3. Incompetent? Maybe in some areas. After all, there are some issues he agrees with Europeans on.
4. Iraq policy failing? If you’ll notice the bombs have been going off on your soil. Besides, what part of “generational conflict” don’t you get? We’re fighting people who are “frothing at the mouth mad” about stuff that happened 900 years ago. Over here we refer to stuff that happened 5 years ago as “ancient history”.

The United States is no longer a symbol of hope to Britain and the British no longer have confidence in their transatlantic cousins to lead global affairs, according to the poll published in The Daily Telegraph.

1. Just when the hell did we apply for the job of “Symbol of Hope for Britain”? How about you guys spend some time putting teeth back into the phrase “Rule Britannia”?
2. Furthermore, leading global affairs is like herding cats. The only common purpose the globe seems to have is lining up when the US is handing out “cat food”.

The YouGov poll found that 77 percent of respondents disagreed with the statement that the US is “a beacon of hope for the world”.

1. Good. Then you guys won’t mind stopping moving here. Please!
2. Since we’ve failed to be that beacon of hope, you shouldn’t mind if we divert all aid money toward more worthy goals. Finishing Reagan’s 600-ship Navy comes to mind or more combat aircraft. You know, something people can be proud of.

As Americans prepared to celebrate the 230th anniversary of their independence on Tuesday, the poll found that only 12 percent of Britons trust them to act wisely on the global stage. This is half the number who had faith in the Vietnam-scarred White House of 1975.

1. Appeasement, capitulation, surrender, and treason are not synonyms for “wise”.
2. The reason the poll numbers are half as large for GWB is that, all things considered, Nixon was still twice the president he is.

A massive 83 percent of those questioned said that the United States doesn’t care what the rest of the world thinks.

1. That’s because we don’t care what the rest of the world thinks.
2. If what you think was important, you would already be states.

With much of the worst criticism aimed at the US administration, the poll showed that 70 percent of Britons like Americans a lot or a little.

1. Actually, that has been my experience too. Most Europeans I have met have usually indicated that they like American people just fine. It’s our government they hate.
2. Unfortunately, Europeans have abandoned their own patriotism and consequently can’t wrap their heads around the idea that Americans identify with their government to a much greater extent than most other people in the world.

US President George W. Bush fared significantly worse, with just one percent rating him a “great leader” against 77 percent who deemed him a “pretty poor” or “terrible” leader.

1. He isn’t a great leader, but he is a fair one.
2. He also serves as a placeholder president for future elections.
3. Thanks to Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton, GB doesn’t have to worry about going down in history as a terrible president. Mediocre maybe, but not terrible.

More than two-thirds who offered an opinion said America is essentially an imperial power seeking world domination. And 81 per cent of those who took a view said President George W Bush hypocritically championed democracy as a cover for the pursuit of American self-interests.

1. More than two-thirds of Americas wish our government would stop bowing and scraping to the rest of the world and start pursuing America’s self-interests. Perspective is amazing isn’t it?
2. Imperial power? Ha! I wish! If I had my way Canada, Cuba, and the Philippines would be states by now and Japan and Germany would be US provinces.
3. Furthermore, as far as I’m concerned, we own the moon. We expended the money and lives, got there first and planted a flag. If I could figure out a way, I would charge all you conceited bastards just to look at it.

US policy in Iraq was similarly derided, with only 24 percent saying they felt that the US military action there was helping to bring democracy to the country.

1. We deride your suicidal your immigration policy, but hey, it’s your funeral.
2. US military inaction wasn’t bringing democracy either.
3. Furthermore, as a rock solid believer in constitutional republicanism, I find democracy a little overrated at times. What good is freeing a nation just so that it can vote itself back into slavery?

The article goes on to quote an American Embassy spokes who stated that they had conducted their own polls which disputed the negative results of the YouGov poll. But still…

In answer to other questions, a majority of the Britons questions described Americans as uncaring, divided by class, awash in violent crime, vulgar, preoccupied with money, ignorant of the outside world, racially divided, uncultured and in the most overwhelming result (90 percent of respondents) dominated by big business.

1. This one always blows my mind. Every time this topic is researched the United States come out on top for private charitable giving. On top of this is the insanely generous giving of our government. We pick up the largest portion of the tab for the (hack, spit!) United Nations. We spend as much time defending and protecting our “allies” as we do ourselves. As I recall, at one time the United States Department of Defense was the second largest employer in the Philippines.
2. There are fewer class distinctions here than just about anyplace else, which is further ameliorated by having the highest degree of mobility between classes.
3. Crime? Already talked about it for the most part. Only addition, we’re importing a lot of it through runaway illegal immigration. Oops.
4. Vulgar? By that you probably mean we don’t do things the way you would do them. Contrary to popular opinion we do have a culture here. You should know, the world spends half its time aping it. Besides, anybody that drinks warm beer is a friggin’ barbarian in my book.
5. Preoccupied with money? Maybe. It’s how we Americans keep score and part of the famous American work ethic. Besides what would you have us do. Be a nation obsessed with stamp collecting or “Antique Roadshows”? Who would you borrow money from then?
6. Ignorant of the outside world? That’s probably because you guys aren’t interesting.
7. Don’t believe what the poverty pimps of the Left tell you. The issue gets better every year. People get along better and associate more freely. Interracial dating and marriage become more common every year. I’ve dated interracially myself. So give us a break. After all, the British Empire wasn’t thrown away in a single day.
8. Uncultured? Moving past the Benny Hill thing, I would put an hour of a custom car show up against an hour of “Footballers Wives” any day.
9. Dominated by big business? We’re a capitalist country, so welcome to real life. We are also rapidly becoming a nation of business owners. The majority of Americans have some financial interest in business, either through direct investment or participation in retirement funds. Meet America Inc.

Ah! I feel better now. Please bear in mind that I like British people, for the most part. As individuals.