Ten Reasons Why Democrats Fear Education Reform

1. Literate constituents might read the legislation they’re sponsoring.
2. Voters who can properly cast a ballot will remove the main pretense for recounts.
3. People with basic math skills scare the hell out of the budget committee.
4. Can’t take the risk that civics students will be exposed to the constitution.
5. Social Studies might be dropped and reality-based subjects like Geography and History reinstated.
6. People who read books are just freakin’ weird.
7. There are still copies of the Federalist Papers unaccounted for.
8. They believe that reading the n-word in Huckleberry Finn will cause students to spontaneously combust.
9. Feminists terrified that girls will like Home Ec. and Family Development.
10. Reinstating vocational education might make students employable and thus apathetic toward the welfare state.

Deep Thoughts 2

Third-generation welfare recipients can’t see the irony in their votes counting just as much as yours.

Handy Tip 5

A beautiful woman will sleep with a man for any reason as long as it’s not a good one.

Amplifying Anecdote

After posting the Public Education memorandum, I was reminded of an incident from my own education that speaks volumes about the mindset and biases of public school teachers as alluded to in Item 3. The scene: Marquette Senior High School; the place: Marquette, Michigan; the time: the late 1970s; and starring: Mr. Perlberg, one of my history teachers, and long-haired hippy me.

Submitted for your approval:

Hippy me: Mr. Perlberg? Why don’t we ever study these presidents? (I indicate the mostly bearded presidents after Lincoln and ending just before Woodrow Wilson.)

Mr. Perlberg: Them? We’re going to skip them. We call them the do-nothing presidents.

Hippy me: Why would you call them that?

Mr. Perlberg: Because back in those days things were going so well for the country that they didn’t have to do anything and were just along for the ride.

Hippy me: (After pondering this for a moment) How do we know that things weren’t going so well because they weren’t doing anything?

Mr. Perlberg: (His normally smiling face scowling) You’re a god-damned Republican aren’t you?

Cue Twilight Zone music and light Rod Serling’s cigarette.

Top Ten Signs That You’re a Conservative at a Senate Confirmation Hearing

1. Democrats on the panel are already giving each other high fives.
2. Someone served a subpoena at your mother’s grave site.
3. Your father was bribed to say that you molested him repeatedly when he was in his 40s.
4. Barbara Boxer pulls a pair of latex gloves and a bottle of medical lubricant out of her purse.
5. The panel has surveillance video of you stealing a carton of milk when you were in kindergarten.
6. Your proctologist is called as a witness.
7. The IRS audits your daughter’s lemonade stand.
8. Your wife has a surveillance camera mounted on her forehead.
9. There is a burly man with an axe and black hood standing behind Joseph Biden.
10. Ted Kennedy makes accusations about your drinking habits.

Handy Tip 4

Your love for your spouse tends to be directly proportional to the obnoxiousness of your in-laws.

Public Education

Memorandum

From: The Memo Writer
Topic: Public Education

It has come to my attention that many Americans are confused by our schools move toward more public and less education. My research indicates this is because some retrograde Americans don’t understand the Wink-Nudge Function.

Definition: The Wink-Nudge Function is the product of a neural network of the insecurity lobe, gullibility node, suppressed self-interest gyrus, and psychobabble ganglion. This vital function allows people who subconsciously know that something is objectively false to convince their conscious minds that it is objectively true in order to obtain maximum social acceptance.

Using the latest high tech dewinknudgificator the following facts become apparent:

Item 1: Most American parents send their kids to public school for the free daycare. As an example, compare the number of parents who say, ” I can’t wait till school starts so I can get these brats out of my hair!” to those who say I can’t wait for school to start again because my kids math skills are starting to slip. (They last statement had no quotes because I was unable to track down any parent who had ever actually said this.)

Item 2: Most American communities tolerate public schools because that’s the only way to get tax-supported sports teams. The citizenry are generally willing to pay the most odious property taxes to keep getting them for free.

Item 3: Most teachers and all teacher education institutions support public education in order to get to the children before the parents can poison their minds with reactionary values.

Top 20 Reasons Liberal Democrats Fear Immigration Reform

1. Literacy rate is too high among the native-born.
2. Fear of paying market price for fruits and vegetables.
3. Fresh immigrants have no clue when you’re ripping them off.
4. The native-born know embezzling and bribery when they see it.
5. American-born maids know that they don’t have to have sex with you to keep their jobs.
6. Their wives are extremely close to the pool boy.
7. Their daughters are extremely close to the pool boy.
8. Their sons are extremely close to the pool boy.
9. They secretly have feelings for the pool boy.
10. Their last pool boy quit without notice.
11. They feel a need to cancel out Linda Chavez and Michelle Malkin.
12. They have a neurotic fear of unmodified ‘64 Chevy’s.
13. Asian food cooked by a guy named Bob Johnson just doesn’t taste right.
14. Thomas Sowell, Condaleeza Rice, Clarence Thomas, and Star Parker are bad omens.
15. They need someone to translate the Spanish language ballots for them on election day.
16. Recent immigrants don’t understand the concept of itemized deductions.
17. Their mothers have been crying since the pool boy left.
18. Native-born legislators read the fine print on the legislation liberals sponsor.
19. MS-13 has established a sleeper cell in their basements.
20. They just can’t go back to smoking substandard weed.

Handy Tip 3

The use of personal hygiene products is directly proportional to the distance someone will stand from you.

Everybody Lives on Stolen Land

The English arrive in England uninvited—Thank God

• Conquest has gone on throughout history.
• It goes so far back that you can’t set it “right”.
• It’s time to let bygones be bygones.
• How far back in time does one go before it’s “right”.
• Many Mexicans don’t even bother to hide their anti-Americanism anymore.
• They’ve been warning us for decades it falls on deaf ears.
• Mexicans envy our prosperity but still don’t understand where it comes from.
• The Reconquista is doomed from the beginning but will do much harm before it dies.
• Rising resentment against the Reconquistadors does not bode well for anyone.
• MEChA and Reconquistadors are blatantly racist.

Handy Tip 2

No matter who you meet they will always be convinced that the United States was founded on whatever they believe in.