Memorandum
From: Memo Writer
Topic: Anyone who is interested in something different than you
Item 1: Boring people don’t know they’re boring.
Item 2: Every group of people has such a boring person.
Item 3: Please look around you. If you don’t see the boring person, then for the love of God please stop talking to me.
Memorandum
From: Memo Writer
Topic: Arguments
If at any point in a discussion the other party blurts out, “But that’s different!”, you’ve officially won the argument. Don’t take the bait to continue. Take your metaphorical moral trophy and be on your way.
Memorandum
From: Memo Writer
Topic: Behavioral Primer Applied to the Workplace
Item 1: Dilbert is not a comic strip. It is a graphic business textbook. You can disagree with this is you want to, but that still means your work for your uncle.
Item 2: The Pointy-haired Boss is not hyperbole. He is the literal truth and 95% of bosses you work for will be just like him—or dumber.
Item 3: You will encounter all of the too-bizarre-to-be-real personality types of Dilbert eventually in your working life. I’m a cross between Wally and Alice. If you touch my coffee cup, I’ll likely smash you in the face.
Item 4: While not explicitly stated, there are both de facto minimum and maximum levels of work permitted just about anywhere. Doing less than the minimum gets you fired. Doing the average keep you employed at a static level. Doing slightly more than average gets you noticed and possibly promoted. Doing a great deal more than the average annoys your co-workers because it makes them look bad and scares the hell out of your boss who thinks you’re gunning for his job; this gets you framed or set-up to be fired.
Item 4: People who are getting by on their looks don’t know and will never suspect that they’re getting by on their looks. This is similar to the old saying, “People born rich and good-looking are born on third base and think they hit a triple.” Your drop dead gorgeous co-workers are merely born on second base and think they hit a double. Doors that are welded shut for other people instantly pop open for them, so you would think they would have a little humility. Instead, they attribute the disparity to their “talent, hard work, and determination.” Don’t try to argue with them, you’re just being jealous.
An important sub-category of Item 4 is women who are getting by on the size of their breasts, this is one of the few cases where a plain or unattractive woman can compete with her size 0 peers. Ironically, these women not only don’t know they are getting by on the size of their breasts but actually think they are holding them back. “Because of these things!” she whines, gesturing towards them with disgust. “No one takes me seriously.” Tragically, in more than half the cases, if it weren’t for her endowments, no one would take her at all.
Item 5: When your boss says he expects top quality work he means get big numbers by whatever means necessary and don’t leave a paper trail.
Item 6: None of the previous items should be construed as an endorsement of slacking-off. I just want people who revere logic and reason not to be made miserable by spending 30 years trying to make sense of the senseless, like I did. Of course you should try to do well, its the American way—and there aren’t many of us left.
