Deep Thoughts 5

Liberals deeply resent the religionization of Christmas.

Global Warming: The World’s Slowest Moving Disaster

A Reuters story I read recently (link died unfortunately) reports that due to Global Warming sea levels could rise 4 and 1/2 feet by the year 2100. They also say this is much worse than expected. Let’s put this is perspective. A quick calculation show that when averaged out, the disaster will be occurring at slightly over a half inch per year. This is their worst case scenario.

This will not be the end of civilization, even if true, and I’m still skeptical about that. That pace is slow enough that even Democrats could adapt and we all know what evolutionary dead-ends they are. Yes, over a long period of time things would have to be moved, beach front property will be lost as new beach front property is created, and a few more rich people’s stilt homes will slide down hills they should never have been built on. But in the end, Denver will still be there, as will every town or city that I’ve ever lived in.

Wake up and smell the coffee (or, if you’re a Liberal, regain consciousness and take another hit on your crack pipe). The Environmental Movement is a fraud. As many other people have observed, it has become the hiding ground for anti-capitalist Leftists and “Back to the jungle” Luddites whose ideas no longer have any cachet.

Progressive = Liberal = Socialist

If you’re like me (and if you are congratulations!) you probably have a hard time deciding if Leftists are dumb and/or crazy and/or evil. I’ve been conducting an informal poll of left-of-center folks since I was a teenager. I just ask questions and keep a running tab in my head on some of the more interesting answers.One of the questions I ask is, “When you achieve your goal of establishing a far left/socialist/communist government what will you do for a living?” I always get the exact same answer. Do they plan to work on a collective farm? Nah. Do they plan on working at the centralized napkin factory? Nah. How about working in the nationalized health care field? Double nah! They always answer the same way and without exception,”Oh, I would work for the government.” Most of them give you a look that says they can’t believe you even had to ask the question.

What’s my point? Simple, proponents of a big and intrusive government always picture themselves in a power wielding position, without fail. Never as the poor gullible sap who has to support the whole gargantuan bureaucracy on his back. So, as many right-wing radio talk show hosts say, it’s all about power, who has it and who doesn’t.

Top Ten Reasons Liberals Fear Religion

1. God failed to get advice and consent before appointing this Jesus guy.
2. He strikes people dead when they try to filibuster Him.
3. The clergy have poor fashion sense.
4. Christians naively think just 10 rules pretty much sums it up.
5. That Pope guy just doesn’t get simple concepts like moral relativism.
6. The flock refuses to ask them for forgiveness.
7. Narrow-minded Christians get hostile when they try to deconstruct the Bible.
8. Christendom hasn’’t updated their core beliefs in over 2000 years.
9. God defies conventional wisdom by insisting that there is a time for war.
10. Jesus was a blue-collar worker and didn’’t go to an Ivy League University.

Democractic Party Solutions Applied to Everyday Situations

• Effective immediately all Caucasians and successful minorities will be required to practice the “open garage” policy. Garage doors must be left open at all times. The inner door must be unlocked as well. After all, trespassers just want a cold beer and to watch some TV, just like everybody else.
• Due to government concerns about the health of the petroleum transfer industry, gas station attendants will be paid $5 per gallon not to pump your gas, if they don’t pump 10 gallons or more they get double trading stamps.
• Universities will immediately desist from the discriminatory practice of limiting the number of students that can register for a given class and thus oppressing the punctuality-challenged. All interested students must be allowed to enroll. In an unrelated matter universities will be fined $10,000 per student per semester for each instance of insufficient seating.
• To prevent the undue hardship of a disconnection, delinquent utility bills will be paid by the neighbors living on either side of the financially distressed person.
• All accelerated and advanced placement courses in public schools are hereby canceled. Students with higher aptitude will be required to tutor remedial students. After all, it’s only fair. They won in life’s lottery. Failure to comply will result in the forfeiture of any future student grants and loans.
• The concept of the checkout counter “Leave a penny, take a penny” dish has proven so popular that the legislature has passed a bill applying the principle to the pockets of people standing next to you in line. Despite the name, the law permits any denomination to be taken. Participation is compulsory.
• In order to comply with health regulations restaurants and grocery stores are henceforth required to give a sponge bath to any homeless person that may wander into the building.
• Newspaper boys are required to charge their subscribers on a sliding scale determined by means testing. If the subscriber is illiterate, the paper boy is required to read it to the subscriber. To insure good service to the underprivileged, stiff penalties will be assessed for late delivery.
• In order to put a stop to the scourge of racial profiling, identification cards will no longer be required to cash a check, buy cigarettes or alcohol, buy guns or ammunition, attend adult movies, sign a contract, or pick up children from any daycare facility.

You Just Might Be a Feminist If…

1. …your favorite video game is a first-person shooter in which you toast embryos with a laser.
2. …you’ve kicked a man in the groin because he found you attractive.
3. …you’ve stalked a heterosexual woman because she didn’t.
4. …you’re raising your only child on lawsuit money you got from your abortion clinic.
5. …you once got the president of a major university fired for saying the sky is blue.
6. …you believe that the vote should be restricted to childless lesbian Democrats.
7. …you’re plotting against your own uterus.
8. …you believe that your menstrual cycle is proof that God exists, he’s male, and a sexist.
9. …you got a breast reduction even though you were a natural AA cup.
10. …you’ve ever drop-kicked a doctor for refusing to give your male foster child a sex change operation.

Mahmoud’s To-Do List

I find it odd that all of the pseudo-enlightened people, especially those who were all to recently swept into power, keep reacting with a collective yawn about Iran’s rush toward nuclear weapons. Obviously, the threat and promise to destroy Israel in a campaign of nuclear genocide leaves all true-believing Leftists unmoved. This all begs the question, have they given any consideration to whois #2 on Mahmoud’s “To Do” list?

Beaver Bureaucracy

 

Zoologists and Political Scientists working jointly prove the existence of liberals in the beaver population.

The victim was reported to have been working under a jobs program administrated by the beaver government. When the government’s spokeman was asked about their culpability in the tragic accident, he just pointed at a muskrat across the river, then ran and hid in his burrow. We do not know if any further comments are expected.

Ten Reasons Democrats Still Hate Karl Rove

Ten Reasons Democrats Still Hate Karl Rove

1. He still refuses to give back John Kerry’s lunch money.
2. Won’t stop calling Nancy Pelosi a “ho”.
3. Keeps giving the president English lessons.
4. Sent a yellow cake on Valerie’s birthday.
5. Sent the Wilson twins a drum set labeled “weapon of mass distraction”.
6. After Robert Novak published his article Karl said, “Psych!”
7. Joe Wilson’s twins look a lot like Karl.
8. Annoying tendency to understand the issues.
9. Refuses to work for them.
10. He keeps winning damn it!

Handy Tip 10

No one looks good with a soul patch, not even you.

Handy Tip 9

Intelligence in one field doesn’t ipso facto imply intelligence in any other.

Deep Thoughts 4

Ronald Reagan Jr.

The greatest debt owed to the Founding Fathers is a non-hereditary chief executive.

Deep Thoughts 3

If 90% of the descendants of illegal aliens voted for Republicans, not only would we already have a border wall, it would be 10,000 feet high.

Compare and Contrast

Memorandum

From: Memo Writer
Topic: Obliviousness of Political Left

There is too much time being spent around the water cooler while speculating on the ability of the political left to come to conclusions that are 180 degrees out of sync with the facts. Management is deeply concerned by the loss of productive time  and has researched the issue for you.

Item 1: The Liberal-Leftist side of the spectrum is deeply concerned about whether people get their feelings hurt of not.

Item2: The Conservative-Rightist side of the spectrum is concerned about whether people get killed or not.

No need to thank us. Now, get back to work.

Sometimes I Just Don’t Understand My Fellow Americans

I admit it. I just don’t get the mania over American Idol, Survivor, Next Top Model, or any other such show. I’ve watched a couple of episodes of most of them, usually not by choice. Mostly I’ve observed incredibly shallow people with delusions of adequacy transparently plotting against one another. I find them less exciting than watching paint dry.

When I first heard about Survivor I was intrigued. The idea of an endurance contest in exotic locations under extreme conditions was a good one I thought. Later, I found out that the winner would be determined, not by actually winning, but by having the other players vote each other out of the game. I did, and still do, find this to be one of the stupidest premises for a television show ever. A high school popularity contest is still a high school popularity contest even if it’s taking place in the tropics.

There is too much going on right now to justify the majority of the nation passing its time with this mindless crap. Naturally, a lot of these folks spend their rare non-TV time bitching about how the country is going to hell in a handbasket.

Furthermore, to call these accursed things “reality shows” is a crime of Orwellian proportions against the English language and the concept of reality. Who names these things? The Ministry of Clarity with the words “Specificity is Whatever” emblazoned on the walls? Perhaps the Playboy and Spice Channels can produce an entire series of chastity shows.

And while we’re at it, what’s with things like the Weather Channel and the Food Network? What’s next? The Scenery Channel? The Breathing Channel? The Paint Drying Channel?

Virtual Compliance

Liberal politicians spare no effort when denouncing the proposed (now partially done—very partially) border wall, saying it was impractical and unnecessary. Ted Kennedy and others have suggested a “virtual” wall using high technology which would be cheaper, less inflammatory, and much more secure. I have decided to extend this principle by paying my taxes with virtual money and obeying federal law with virtual compliance. I won’t be doing these things in the physical world, but we’re way beyond the physical world anyway.

It’s my understanding that the Kennedy family is going to apply this principle in sexual matters. In the future, a woman passing out and slumping over in her seat will be considered “virtual” consent. At least they won’t have to whack her in the head with a golf club.

World’s Shortest Interview

MSM Reporter: “What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?”
Marine sniper: “Recoil.”

Riddle Me This

I know that good male Muslims die and go on to an eternity of mindless bliss being serviced by 72 virgins who apparently have nothing better to do, as well as a few other pleasures desert-bound Bedouins dreamed up. My question is, what do “pious” Muslim women get out of the deal? Since it’s paradise I’m assuming they get to have 72 Muslim husbands whom they get to poison in their sleep over and over again. But that’s just a guess.

Mahmoud’s Plutonium Hammer

Mahmoud’s Plutonium Hammer
Sung to the tune of the Beatle’s “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer”

Pelosi was political, submitted parasitical
Bills into the house
To sell them to the red-state rubes
Louse-ouse-ouse-ouse…….
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad annointed Hand of God
Texts her on his iPhone
“How’s about a dialog,
Nan-an-an-cy?”
But as the queen of sycophancy
Steps onto the plane….

Flash, bang, Mahmoud’s plutonium hammer
Scalded the retinas from her head
Flash, bang, Mahmoud’s plutonium hammer
Made sure that we were dead

Back at the UN again Mahmoud plays the saint again
But no troops will be deployed
Instead they will just try to re-appease-ee-ee-ease
It’s the Blue Helmet way when the news has gone away
To ignore the crime
And give him 50 second cha-a-a-ances
But when they go back to embezzling
He sends some grimy slime…..

Flash, bang, Mahmoud’s plutonium hammer
Broiled us in our beds
Flash, bang, Mahmoud’s plutonium hammer
Justified all of our dread

Harry Reid promised his heart would bleed
When he got the time
Busy denouncing the military you kno-o-o-ow
Boxer and Hillary scream to the empty gallery
That killers from A to Z must go free
The voters all disagree and say they must go-o-o-o
But as they make their way to the polls
A brilliant flash makes them blind….

Flash, bang, Mahmoud’s plutonium hammer
Killed their nation dead
Flash, bang, Mahmoud’s plutonium hammer
Made sure civilization bled

Sad, But True

I apologize in advance. I know it’s awful, but this occurred to me earlier today.

What do you call a Muslim man with a chainsaw?